Boise Comma Idaho

Urinal Photos

2011-06-05T21:28:00.000-06:00

It's been so very long since I've blogged forgive me if I'm out of practice. My first piece after such a long hiatus will be a very short cautionary tale about taking photos of yourself peeing.

He who will not be named has a running joke with a friend where they text each other completely obnoxious, bordering on obscene, photos of daily randomness. At one point in time he thought it would be funny to take a photo of a urinal he was using and text it over. So he did.

Later over beers as he was re-living the hilariousness of this joke he realized the photo had also captured a wee bit of his pee-pee.

So instead of texting his friend he sexted him and that my friends is why you should be very careful when taking pictures of urinals in which you may be peeing.

Who Used the Last of the Cow Dung Toothpaste and DIDN'T FREAKIN' REPLACE IT?

2010-09-19T11:45:00.001-06:00

Taryn Simon risked life, limb, and a good night's sleep to give us insight into what confiscated black-market contraband tells us about American desires. Quite excited to see just how freakish the underbelly of our American landscape is I immediately scrolled through the list of images.

Are.you.fucking.kidding.me? You lost 5 days of sleep to let us know just how unimaginative Americans really are -- drugs, pirated media, African art, Cuban cigars, and counterfeit money -- whew didn't see THAT coming <insert rant on the poor state of investigative journalism>.

Okay, okay, so there are 475 more images hanging in a SOHO gallery and soon to be found on the coffee tables of America. But where are the titillating teaser items that are going to inspire me to to drop $150 bucks to basically see shit my neighbor buys? Below are the most interesting items on the list, and I'm pretty sure my neighbor has at least two of them.

Plastic Pitcher of Salami | Really? You can't get this at the corner bodega?

Cow Dung Toothpaste | Probably not available at Costco for obvious reasons

Deer Penis | Save yourself a fine and come on out to Idaho; we're lousy with all sorts of penises during hunting season! Take your pick.

Cow Hoof Bottle | Nothing like passing around a cow hoof flask at the campfire; best to be drinking while you contract foot and mouth disease

Read more here

Bat Boy, the Musical

2010-07-04T10:57:00.001-06:00

My girlfriends and I kicked off the 4th of July weekend with an evening of culture at the Idaho Shakespeare Festival. We saw "Bat Boy, the Musical" based on a news item in The Weekly World News who, incidentally, has adopted the image of Bat Boy as their logo.

I'm guessing each of you is old enough to remember seeing this 1992 news worthy event on your local grocery store newsstand. It was the story of the summer that year.

In 1997 someone with a lovely sense of humor decided to make it into a musical. It's certainly not for the traditionalist but if you enjoy dancing hillbillies, a tent revival, ambiguous incest, and a good death scene then this play is a must see. It runs through July 24th. Bring your PBR.

I leave you with the opening chorus:

Oh, hold me, Bat Boy! Touch me, Bat Boy!

Help me through the night.

Love me, Bat Boy! Save me, Bat Boy!

Make it all turn out all right!

Whew...

2010-07-04T10:06:00.000-06:00

As most of you know by now my biopsy was cancer free! Of course during the two week wait for the good news we already had a worst case scenario plan - no to chemo and the girls were coming off. That's how bad chemo is, for those of you who haven't had the pleasure. I'd rather lop my boobs off than go through that again.

But the news is all good and we have stopped holding our collective breath. Summer is sort of here, the rivers are going down and the raft is (almost) ready and the Middle Fork is calling us! All is well in our world.

Thanks for all the good thoughts y'all sent our way.

God Damnit

2010-06-19T11:03:00.000-06:00

So I had my yearly boob squish and MRI this week. The gal at the mammogram place was quite thorough if a bit on the creepy side of cheerful (the kind where you know they're hiding a syringe of some knock-out drug in their pocket just waiting for you to poop on their cheery). And the radiology tech was suitably sadistic and smashed my boobies til she saw tears. And....they found nothing.

Next day I got to head downtown to the MRI tube where they fumble around with IVs and make me wait an hour for the pleasure of lying face down in a tube with my boobs hanging free, and being shot up with dye. The MRI technician who was there to help me be appropritely splayed out for maximum picture value had certainly soaked her hands in ice water for at least 10 minutes prior to stretching out my skin...nice. I hear they have warm water in the hand washing sinks.

Turns out the MRI found something in the left breast (last time it was the right) and now I get to have an ultraSound and biopsy. For all of this I get a $2500 bill and a free St. Luke's cloth shopping bag....really?

Thanks, but I'm pretty sure I already have FIVE HUNDRED of your free bags and guess what? They don't really make me feel better when I'm facing CANCER. Jesus people....who came up with that idea....hmmm, well we're gonna make our paitients be poked, prodded, shoved, shot up, and mostly radioactive...but I bet a AWESOME NEW BAG will help ease their pain.

In their defense there's really nothing that will help, but if they're giving out free shit how about a set of scrubs...at least then I have something to wear to all those freakin' appointments!

The Lacuna | The Unknown Gap

2010-06-12T10:56:00.000-06:00

I'm a reader. If I don't have at least one book in process and another in the wings I feel a bit of anxiety and have to break out the Ativan. I will read anything from children's books to spy novels.

I've even gone so far as to attempt to read a Rosamund Pilcher novel (yawn) and the Twilight series...yes, I thought I'd better see what all the fuss was about and I'm still not sure. But having given Utah 7 good years of my life I could at least chuckle at all the subtext. Sort of like being Catholic and actually "getting" Chaucer (who is far more interesting than Stephanie Meyers). But I digress.

I'm currently reading The Lacuna by Barbara Kingsolver (top five favorite author) and I'm now obsessed with Frida Khalo. I find myself getting lost in the webernets as I read everything I can find. I've even added the movie Frida to my Netflix que.

The Lacuna is an intriguing novel of a boy's relationship with Frida written from the perspective of his diaries and is quite a thought provoking book. If you haven't read it then put it on your list. It's well worth your time. I'm putting it up there with Lets not go to the Dogs Tonight.

Perhaps I'm captured because I spent a summer in front of Diego's murals down in Mexico, and having grown up in a family of artists, Frida wasn't far from my childhood.

Either way I felt compelled to tell the world to read this book. So do it.

Book Review

Neighbors With Teenagers

2010-06-05T15:44:00.000-06:00

Rule #42 is to always be nice to teenagers in the hopes that they won't select your house for mischief. If you live in my neighborhood you know just how crazy that mischief can be....stealing cars for joy rides, jumping off of roofs onto trampolines, torturing small animals, and basically just emo'ing all over.

For the most part I follow this rule religiously...teenagers scare me a bit...but recently this rule has become less abstract as my neighbor's kid has actually become a teenager. Applied rules are always challenging.

I seem to have drawn the short straw as I am now living next to the guy who I wish was my Dad when I was a teenager. Yes, the Dad who had absolutely no rules and was too busy dating his own teenagers to pay any attention to what his kid and kid's friends were up to. The Dad who said "yeah, yeah I'll be home "supervising" send your kid over."

Turns out the Teenagers (some barely 13) are alone in the house, and sneak out (sneaking being relative) in the middle of the night to congregate down in the marsh to shoot at each other with their annoying pellet guns.

I've made an effort to politely ask that they refrain from shooting my dog and/or cats, but I cannot be sure they are not using other poor animals as target practice....they do seem particularly fond of shooting birds, squirrels, chickens, and the random poor whistle pig. I'm just happy they have terrible aim and seem to hit each other more than anything else...I've seen the wounds.

Get Over It

2010-06-05T15:43:00.001-06:00

Seriously....get.the.fuck.over.it. I live in Hidden Springs, I do not have children and that is not cause for eyebrow raising, I do not live 3 feet from my neighbor, I am not an "idiot" for choosing the HS over a cramped North End bungalow, and we are not swingers....and if we were I don't think you'd be getting an invite.

I love our house, I love our lot, I love our view, I love coming home, making a cocktail, and watching the hawks and eagles and blue herons hunt 10 feet off my back fence. I love that I can hear and often see the coyotes on the hill behind my house...and I love that I know on a full moon I will hear much more than just coyotes if I sit quietly on my back patio and listen.

I love that I can ride my bike to the end of the street and be on the Ridges to Rivers Trail System. I can also ride my bike to the Merc for a beer, or I can walk to the farm to pick up the eggs the crazy chickens lay every week. I can actually choose when I want to talk to my neighbors over the fence, as opposed to having their lives played out 4 feet from my dining room window like some disturbing picture show.

What is it about Hidden Springs that it can incite a seemingly normal (if a bit bitchy) woman to just go off about my choice of neighborhoods? Yes, it looks a bit like Mayberry but it's also only 11 years old and will probably look like the North End in ONE HUNDRED YEARS!

But I will be gone by then and my immediate future doesn't include re-wiring my house, knocking out walls, stripping 40 layers of paint, replacing my plumbing, or digging out a basement so I can have more space.

If this is what you love then YAY! Do it, live in the North End and love it, but don't think it gives you some sense of entitlement to judge people that don't want to pay 150$ a square foot for the privilege of being a slave to their house, and having their car broken into once a year on average.

And boo-hoo that I can't walk to Hyde Park, or ride my bike to Saturday Market, or stumble home after a night of revelry but I will thank you to keep your rude opinions to yourself (at least until I know you better), and stop assuming that any of those things are remotely important to me. It's not as if I need a special pass to enter the North End...they obviously let anyone live there.

St. Lucia

2010-06-05T13:19:00.013-06:00

We spent a blissful (and very hot) week on the West Indies island of St. Lucia at the beginning of May. Below are a few pictures. It was an island unexpectedly rich in culture and sights to see. Unfortunately we did not have enough time to experience everything that is St. Lucia, but I have a feeling we will return to the island of light...perhaps a stopover on the way to Belize.....

We began with a short helicopter ride to the resort since we landed south and stayed north.

The view from our villa's patio...I was still trying to figure out the panoramic feature but you get the idea.

The beach, which was fabulously uncrowded and had cabana boys.

Sunsets were always a bit cloudy, but really....what sucks about that when there's a beach and a cocktail involved?

Rodney Bay, famous for helping a certain British Popwreck get sober. They named a bar after her - REHAB. This is the fruit boat that spends its days going up and down the east coast of the island selling fruit to swimmers.

We charted a catamaran one day and lived like rock stars snorkeling up and down the coast.

Bouncy Castles

2010-06-04T22:30:00.000-06:00

Clearly I have limited experience with child ownership (oh, you don't own them?), but I have a lot of opinions...A.LOT.

Not very recently I attended a birthday party for a child a friend of mine owns (get over it). The party itself was quite nice...lots of booze, good food, adult conversation...I almost forgot I was at a kid's party. It was a couple of hours into the party before I realized I had seen no more than 3ish children...it took me awhile because it's my natural state to be surrounded solely by booze and adults.

I commented on this to the friend with which I was in conversation (and who had 2 kids at the party). Turns out there was a Bouncy Castle!!

Admittedly I am the first person in line to judge parents for spending more than 20 bucks on a 1 year old's birthday party (seriously people, they are not going to remember it...shove their face in a cake, take a few pictures to show them when they're 10, and you're covered).

But truly I must rescind all previous judgments on the toddler party circuit...I.LOVE.BOUNCY.CASTLES. They are crack for kids...$200 well spent. Kids are strangely compelled to spend all their time within the Bouncy Castle, only to come out for cake or frenzied gift opening, and then immediately return so the adults can continue boozing and telling themselves all's well with the world.

Perhaps that is not the same reason parents love them, but I will now go to any kid's birthday party where there is booze, food, and a bouncy castle.

Places to Which I Would Return

2010-05-11T11:30:00.002-06:00

My mind has been on travelling lately. I always get the nomad bug when winter turns to spring; too many years spent living my life on a schedule that included Spring Break, I imagine.

This, of course, caused me to remember my favorite places and I was inspired to post a list of these places to which I would return again in a heartbeat. These are in no special order as I couldn't possibly choose a favorite. Some I've been fortunate enough to visit multiple times and some are just too remote to access at this time in my life, but a girl can dream.

Sedona, Arizona | before there were vortexes and tourists it was a wild west town in the middle of some of the most stunning scenery I've ever seen

Yellowstone National Park | only between Labor Day and Memorial Day so as to avoid all of the stupid tourists

Tetons | and all surrounding areas because of its remoteness, unbending to humanity, its stark beauty, and lack of tourists

Fairbanks, Alaska | for its location at the top of the world, the friendly people, the depth of culture, and the best hole in the wall dirty bar I've ever been

Dingle, Ireland | because of the colors, the food, and the dolphin who lives in the bay

Innishmore, Aran Islands | for the best damn experience of the Gaelic culture you'll ever find
The Maze District, Utah | it takes 8 hours to drive 50 miles and you have to pack out your poop, but while you are gathering water from rain filled holes you can look up and imagine you are seeing the world through the eyes of an ancient

Desolation Canyon, Green River, Utah | grand canyon light, 7 days, no access except by raft, and nothing to do except explore, oar, and realize how insignificant you are in the face of millions of years of evolution

Vagazzled

2010-05-09T09:00:00.001-06:00

I'll be the first to admit I'm not much of a girly-girl; a side effect of which is wax only touches my body if I'm going to be spending an extended amount of time on a beach. So, forgive me for being a bit behind the times on this, but also a bit incredulous. Vagazzled - getting your vajay bedazzled.

Pre-google I immediately thought...ouch, and how the hell do you get the bedazzles out of your vajay. Post-google I realized it was all about replacing your pubs with crystals.

Okay, so it's just another pointless way to decorate your lady parts; along the lines of waxing your vag hair into some odd shape in the hopes it will appear sexy to your mate.

But then I read the FAQs and realized that if you vagazzle, it's more about looking and less about touching. See # 5 below and then tell me how you can possibly have hot sex without a little rubbing.

And if I spent $100 bucks vagazzling you can bet I'd want it to last for a bit, so at the end of the day I decided it's probably better for my sex life if I stick to the basic bikini wax.

1. Skin should be clean, hair free, and oil free

2. Crystals are peel and stick, but it's best to reinforce the stick with glue

3. You can sleep in them but they may fall off (see #5)

4. You can shower in them but water shortens their life

5. Avoid rubbing the area where they are glued on

6. Vagazzles are not permanent, which is fine because you will want to change designs and colors periodically

Still interested? Watch this educational video Vagazzled | Spa Week

Or, join Vagazzled Nation on Facebook.

Are you vagazzled?

Inspirational Quote of the Day

2010-05-08T10:10:00.001-06:00

I heard this somewhere, wrote it down, and promptly filed it in some random pile to be re-discovered today but without any memory of where I heard it or who said it. Either way, it spoke to me.

In order to find out who you are today you must first remember who you used to be.

Who is Managing the Interwebs?

2010-05-02T20:19:00.001-06:00

I was surfing the internet looking for a particular song which played on a show I watched the other night, and I came across this disclaimer on a 404 page for imdb.com. I thought it was worth posting. Do people really think someone is "in charge" of the Interwebs?

Please do not contact us to say you've found a broken link from another site. We don't manage the whole Internet, we only manage imdb.com. Thank you.

As an aside, turns out the song was "The Worst Day Since Yesterday" by Flogging Molly, which makes perfect sense because IT ROCKED!!

Email will not Save Bambi

2010-03-23T23:31:00.002-06:00

Periodically I receive emails with emotionally manipulative photos and a request to add my name to the bottom. It also hopes I will pass it on to 30, 100, or a million friends so my voice will be heard in the fight against some injustice.

These emails promise that by adding my name and sending it along I've actually saved a blue footed boobie, or a whale, or the world. I always scroll to the bottom to see how many names I know and then mentally add them to the category of "Are You Freakin' Kidding Me!"

I generally don't have dumb friends, but I do have a few bleeding hearts who will do absolutely anything if they think it might help a baby penguin survive its first year.

This includes believing that at some point the millions and millions of emails with as many names will somehow be aggregated by the email petition fairy and sent along to the appropriate animal rights activist group who will be so happy that so many people cared.

Now this may sound harsh, but even if the email makes you want to cry and pet puppies for an hour, DON'T SEND IT TO ME BECAUSE I DON'T CARE THAT YOU CARE. Maybe the ALL CAPS was uncalled for but please....if you really care that much about saving whatever it is that made you cry, get your Google on, and find an organization that is actually saving something and write them a check or spend a week volunteering.

And because I think it's an important point worth repeating THERE IS NO EMAIL PETITION FAIRY WHO CAN MAGICALLY FIND AND AGGREGATE ALL OF THE EMAILS THAT ARE SAVING THE WORLD.

Idaho Has Too Much Money

2010-03-23T23:03:00.003-06:00

As I understand it Idaho is spending 100k on suing the feds because "Otter says never before has the federal government required its citizens to purchase a product and they shouldn't start now."

So by that logic I should be able to sue Idaho for requiring me to purchase auto insurance and home owners insurance because state government should never require its citizens to purchase a product.

It's quite possible I'm missing the bigger picture because I get most of my news in sound bites either from NPR or from someone who has more time and interest than I do to actually understand the finer points of our political landscape.

But is this lawsuit, which is only going to succeed in giving Otter press, really worth 100k? Or did Otter just need an excuse to wear his awesomely ugly olive green suit with the red floral tie on TV?

Christmas is Canceled

2010-01-30T10:57:00.001-07:00

I hate buying new phones almost as much as cars. It pisses me off when I have to sign my life away for 2 years just to talk to my mother once a week.

I'm not a phone talker and will most likely send you to voice mail hoping you'll leave me a message with whatever it is you want. But I do need a phone for text, email, calendar and especially the camera for inappropriate photos of the people around me.

So it pains me that my faithful little crackberry, which I love, is dying a slow death helped along by all the times I've dropped it over the last 1.5 years. Its side is cracked, it freezes up if I'm chatting with more than two people at a time, and it has started to obsessively synch up my calendar.

My hubby has been encouraging me to upgrade to an iPhone, but I just can't see the point....my phone still works it's just slower and has a few cracks, and I'm only 1.5 years into my 2 year contract with satan which means I'm not yet eligible for an inexpensive new phone.

And then last week my crackberry sent me an email that said "Christmas was canceled."

So I guess that's it, I need a new phone, preferrably one that hasn't made its own deal with satan.

Velveeta

2010-01-30T10:41:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday was the big play off game with my hubby's favorite team and I really wasn't up to sitting at Harry's for 4 hours with all of our friends. So I bribed him with "If we can stay home to watch the game I will go to the store and get you whatever crap food you need to make it feel like a party." Here is his list:

bean dip

ruffles

chili

pepsi

velveeta

Velveeta? Where the hell do you find Velveeta? It has never made it's way onto my shopping list. But my hubby grew up in a family where Velveeta Chili Cheese Dip was a favorite family recipe therefore it fits into the "Comfort Food" category.

So I find myself at Winco, 30 minutes before game time, wandering the aisles because I had heard someone once say that Velveeta didn't need to be refrigerated. I thought it might be by the Kraft Mac & Cheese, because that's not food either. I was wrong.

Winco merchandises Velveeta in the cheese cooler. I grabbed the only humongous block they offerred, added some naan bread and hummus to the cart for me and checked out.

And that is how I lost my Velveeta virginity. My mom would be so not proud.

Perspective

2010-01-30T10:21:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure how it's going to turn out, except I'll die in the end, she said. So really, what could go wrong?

~ Story People, Story of the Day ~

Appropriate Party Behavior

2009-12-02T20:00:00.000-07:00

What do you consider appropriate party behavior? Oh, I know, how about you walk into a room where two people you have just met are standing and ask, "So, how are you guys doing tonight?" One just stares at you as if you've perhaps walked into the room naked and the other almost bursts into tears?

I should have considered myself warned.

Which One Do You Follow?

2009-11-15T22:15:00.006-07:00

I don't think this needs any commentary. Click on the image to make it readable.

Legislating Morality

2009-11-13T09:00:00.001-07:00

Once again I am horrified that we must legislate morality because as humans we seem to be so incapable of being kind to one another, instead choosing to fear that which is different.

Mormon church backs anti-discrimination proposals

Teabagging

2009-11-12T13:34:00.004-07:00

I would just like to shout out a big THANK YOU to the Teabaggers for so adequately representing American sentiment, as well as so effectively demonstrating our ability as a country to make inappropriate and disturbing comparisons on the world stage. A few examples:

1. Equating Obama's address to school children with Nazi Youth recruiting tactics. Excellent! and so very educated to call our African American President a Nazi.

2. Using visuals from concentration camps to protest healthcare reform. Implying that healthcare reform will result in the annihilation of an entire race of people. Again, bravo for your creativity and obvious grasp of world history. Read it here.

For those of us who haven't heard of the Teabaggers who were born January 20, 2009, they are a group of American protesters with little knowledge of both world history AND sexual slang. I leave you with this definition:

Teabagger: a man who dips his testicles into the mouth of another person (as if dipping a tea bag into hot water).

The Walk of Shame

2009-11-12T13:12:00.008-07:00

By definition it's the long walk back to your dorm after a misspent night with a drunken love interest. We've probably all done it, perhaps some of us are still doing it, but does it count as journalism? Is it even interesting enough for an op-ed piece? Apparently Chris Surrette of Fairfield University thought so and the school's paper, The Mirror, agreed with him. Ooops, now they are being sued by the University.

It is clear to me that Chris Surette will not be getting laid for the remainder of his scholastic career at Fairfield University, if he ever did. The writing is horrible and he obviously isn't sure who his audience is as it becomes unclear in paragraph 4 who is actually doing the walk of shame. Allow me to demonstrate using some fabulous quotes:

Paragraph 1: "Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity."

Paragraph 4: "First and foremost, right when you wake up, get out of there. There is nothing worse than the awkward wake up next to a girl, who is not as hot as you thought she was when you were 12 deep the night before."

But he is consistent in letting his audience know that he has the emotional maturity of a rock and is mostly likely still a virgin. I've pasted it below for your reading pleasure as I have a feeling it will not remain online for much longer. You can also check it out online here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So after flirting with a young swan at a party, you invite her back to your place and she accepts. The road to pleasure town begins and as Johnny Drama would say, VICTORY! Congrats boys, not only did you get laid, but you have a great story for the rest of your life.

Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity.

But girls, even though many may consider you a slut after witnessing your glorious Walk of Shame, just realize that you have given this lucky guy a story he can share with others at the Grape for the rest of the year. We ought to thank you for that. And hopefully you got something out of this to … actually, we don’t really care.

But in order to achieve success, we need to understand a few tips of advice to become a champ. First and foremost, right when you wake up, get out of there. There is nothing worse than the awkward wake up next to a girl, who is not as hot as you thought she was when you were 12 deep the night before. Not only that, it is kind of embarrassing when you smile at her and call her Julie, when her name is actually Ashley. Plus you don’t want to find out she’s a stage five clinger because that pounding you gave her last night will turn into a pounding headache for you for the next couple of weeks.

Second, even though you might feel like the man for doing it, make sure you don’t raw dog it.

Let’s be real, we are too young to have a little mini-me running around. I would rather enjoy my college years drinking my face off and having to clean my own vomit, than cleaning the vomit of 16 month infant. Also, if you can’t remember her name, there is a very good chance you don’t know much about the broad. Trust me, you don’t want that hood rat giving you a venereal disease. Not because half are not curable, but the next time you try to bang and that little cutie sees that rash around your genitals, she’s going to be running for the fences. Listen guys, gonorrhea is a serious disease. So don’t be a fool and wrap your tool.

Now if you follow these tips, the next time you do work, you’ll have a tale to tell your buds for years. Remember to be ruthless and have no shame.

We are relying on each other for an entertaining story that is both hilarious and humiliating. Just remember one thing; her walk of shame is an induction into your hall of fame.

Mob Parenting

2009-11-12T09:00:00.001-07:00

Mob Parenting: when 20 or more parents become involved in penalizing a single child 6 years or younger based on the irrational fear that he or she may be enjoying childhood.

How is it that, what seems to be, a majority of parents are unable to differentiate between a dangerous situation and a safe one when it comes to school. Are the kids with whom your children play after school only homicidal maniacs during school; is that plastic spork or allergy medicine only dangerous within school walls?

Mob Parenting is irrational and is robbing children of the excitement of discovery; it's teaching them that this world is to be feared instead of understood.

A policy of zero tolerance doesn't command respect or encourage thought, instead it is simply an extreme reaction to fear.

Read it here.

It's a Dog's Life

2009-11-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

This dog is the size of a small horse and is also a very talented contortionist.

Superpowers

2009-10-16T13:15:00.022-06:00

At some point we have all been required to answer the ubiquitous question "What's your superpower?" I usually roll my eyes and say something dumb like "being able to walk in my new cherry red hooker-heels." Most likely this is not the correct response as it doesn't accomplish the group ice-breaking goal.

In reality superpowers make me a little uneasy. Not that I don't think they are super cool, but how do you know what someone's criteria is for unleashing their superpower on you? I mean it's great if the result is bringing you back to life, or saving you from a speeding train, but what if the superpower is putting a pox on you or shrinking your head?

A girlfriend and I recently had a conversation on this complicated subject.

GF: Ah to have the power to telepathically stun someone without them knowing -- wouldn't that be great? Like my ex-husband or step-mother? Not kill them, but give them shingles or something.
Me: Ewwww
GF: Or bladder infections. That is the superpower I want to have when I am a superhero, when I run my own planet.
Me: Will you use it indiscriminately or will you set up some criteria so when I visit I'm not suddenly stricken with shingles when I accidentally punch you in the mouth?
GF: Oh, I would reserve my power for the good type of evil.
Me: oh, very reassuring.
GF: Not like the twinkle of a nose or something. Someone would have to rack up some really bad karma points to qualify for my program. There would be a group review process....a very limited group.
ME: And that is why superpowers make me nervous.

Too Drunk

2009-10-16T12:41:00.010-06:00

A couple of weeks ago we had a large party in honor of my hubby's band. By 1 a.m. when the last guests took their leave, I found that I may have had one whiskey too many and wasn't feeling too steady. By 2 a.m. when we finally went to bed I did an excellent impression of girl-passing-out.

The next morning (which came a short 5 hours later) my mouth was glued shut, hair in disarray, and I was barely coherent, possibly still a little drunk. My daily goals were food, water, and couch. Unfortunately the last goal was not meant to be due to the fact that we had a million clean up errands to do.

So although I brushed my teeth, unglued my mouth and managed to hydrate I had failed to find the shower. So smelling a bit like left over Jamesons, hair still somewhat matted with a light dusting of the inevitable party smoke, and wearing what could only be referred to as twenty-first century sweats, my husband turns to me and says, "You know, I was going to make a run at you last night, but I was too tired and you were too drunk".

That, my friends, is what masquerades as romance these days.

So What You're Telling Me Is....

2009-09-06T12:50:00.013-06:00

Time recently published an online article regarding exercise and its relationship to weight loss. Now, this wasn't some hacked together last minute article by a harried reporter trying to fill news space. Nope, this was a breaking story with a scientific study to back it up (i.e. someone deemed this worthy of funding). Before I divulge the groundbreaking findings let me quickly summarize the study.

2 groups of overweight people
group 1 is told to maintain their lifestyle
group 2 is told to add a few days of exercise to their routine

You know what the scientists found? The group who exercised ate more calories and gained more weight than the group that sat on the couch. So the finding was exercise makes you fat because it stimulates your hunger and causes you to eat more. So what you're telling me is.... 1. I'm a slave to my hunger and cannot choose to not consume more calories than I burn, therefore I should not excercise because it will make me hungry and cause me to gain weight as I mindlessly shove cupcakes into my guts. Because not only can I not choose to not eat, I'm so hungry that I eat the first thing that comes into my view. 2. If I intake more calories than I'm burning it will cause me to gain weight. It doesn't matter if I am burning those calories running or watching the latest episode of True Blood. I'm pretty sure Weight Watchers as well as half the educated population knew that already and I think I should have gone into science instead of folklore. It obviously pays and you don't have to be that smart. Read it here: Exercise Makes You Fat

He's Still Got Game

2009-06-13T15:03:00.015-06:00

One Friday evening this summer I went to a bbq with my girlfriends and therefore did not follow my usual schedule of meeting my husband in Hyde Park for beer and crack (and by crack I mean anything fried). So he opted to head downtown for dinner and drinks with friends. During the evening he and his single hot buddy found themselves at the Falcon sharing a table with a mixed group of people who they chatted up throughout the night. Right after said group left, a gal came rushing back in and here is what ensued: Gal: My friend wanted me to give you her card Single Hot Guy: Wow, awesome thanks Gal: No, not to you, to him My Husband: Thanks, but I'm married Gal: Oh that's too bad, I'll tell her And I classically found the business card in his pocket the next day while doing laundry. Here are the things I love about this: 1. He tells me stories such as this knowing full well it's just adding to my repertoire of funny stories to share at cocktail parties or the random zinger. 2. Pushing 40, long blond hair, probably unshaven and wearing a shirt he most likely found crammed in the far reaches of his closet my husband has still got game!

Can I Get You a Seat in Hell?

2009-06-10T10:19:00.024-06:00

Recently a girlfriend told me her 9 year old son tried to purchase his way out of being grounded and it got me thinking about what other non-traditional items might be available for purchase. Here is what I found: Register a Star: $50.00 + (The scientific community would like to be very clear that they do not recognize your star named Cleo....huh, really?) Create a Constellation: Free, you just need a star map, a pencil, and an imagination (Although not as clear on the subject, I'm sure we're all safe in assuming the scientific community also does not recognize the constellation you named in honor of your dead cat). An Island: $27, 500 unless you are thinking tropical then it becomes "price on request" translated to "if you have to ask, don't." Two Week Tour of the Moon: $100,000,000 to reserve a seat (gotta love the Russians, for a country raised on communism they get capitalism better than we do). Immortality: $90, 000 is just a ballpark estimate on what it will take to be cryogenically frozen (On a side note, do you really think it's worth the cost to come back to life at the age of 89? My money is on someone who can freeze me at 89 but bring me back at 29). Seat in Heaven: At $15.95 this is probably in the more affordable range (the scientific community hasn't weighed in on this yet....chicken shits). Seat in Hell: $15.95 can apparently get you north or south, although the southern marketing is focused on you finding a seat in hell for someone else (again, not a peep out of the scientific community on this one either). Getting Un-grounded: $3.00 is a conservative estimate, but I am guessing negotiation skills are far more important here than dollars.

Natural Selection

2009-06-10T08:46:00.000-06:00

Natural Selection, introduced by Darwin in the 1850s, can be defined as the process where certain traits make it more likely an organism will survive long enough to reproduce; it's a key mechanism of evolution and one that was not supported last week when a few young men went off trail in order to pee on Old Faithful http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/05/14/2-yellowstone-workers-fir_n_203770.html. When have you ever had to pee so bad you were willing to risk falling through the earth's crust to a scalding death...and do it all on camera. I'm just not sure that the outcome supports natural selection.

The Yuppie Weed Industry

2009-05-27T10:19:00.003-06:00

I was reading the news this morning and came across this article that I think could be a money maker for those of you NOT on the Zamzows yard program....Dandelions. click here to read the article They are going for $9 a pound, which is a lot of weeds, but considering they freely volunteer themselves and are in competition to be the Idaho State Flower, I think there is a business opportunity here.

Our Senile Leaders

2009-05-18T15:41:00.010-06:00

What is wrong with the following sentence? Robert C. Byrd, 91 and the longest-serving senator in history, was hospitalized last Friday with a temperature spike evidently caused by a minor infection, his office announced Monday. Don't see it yet? How about the one below? Byrd has been in Congress since 1952 and was first elected to the Senate six years later. How about a little perspective? In 1952:

Dwight D. Eisenhower was elected President - this is PRE-Nixon era, people.
TV first acknowledges pregnancy on I Love Lucy - and now there's a policy limiting how many times you can say "shit" or see boobies on primetime.
The typical U.S. grocery store carries about 4,000 different items - WalMart has that number in just one aisle
Ernest Hemingway publishes The Old Man in the Sea - which was probably on your classics reading list in college

My Reading List

2009-04-05T21:21:00.003-06:00

I have heard you and I'm sorry but, to quote a fellow blogger "life has been kicking my ass" and we are only at month 4 of 2009. My blog is neglected and the last entry a bit misleading since a neglected blog is not so much a keeper. But to get you off of said ass here is a little something that has been added to my reading list. This is not a commentary on the content of the article as I haven't read it yet (see above quote), but I found the title worth sharing. Social Collapse Best Practices by Dimitry Orlov I just don't see the need for learning Best Practices once society has collapsed. Perhaps a better title might be Finding Oil Best Practices or Surviving Social Collapse Best Practices, or even Preventing Social Collapse Best Practices. Either way, just thought I'd share.

He's a Keeper

2009-02-22T11:54:00.006-07:00

Below is a Craigslist add which my husband came across. Craigslist has lots of fun little nuggets if you're lucky enough to find them. ++++++++++++++++++++++++ To the woman that crapped in my car. We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. I thought we had chemistry sitting at McFadden's sharing that basket of jalapeno poppers while drinking Guiness. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive. I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat... What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. I await your call, Tad P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché. Location: Las Vegas, NV it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interestsPostingID: 1039266988

High Hopes for Robie Creek

2009-02-16T12:09:00.005-07:00

KTVB: Robie Creek Hopes for Smooth Registration Last time I checked: 1. "Hoping" for something is not actually going to manifest it (unless you are a Secret subscriber and willing to wait indefinitely. 2. The technology exists for a server to host more than one session at a freakin' time, for example when I go to Amazon.com I am never told that the server is too busy, and I don't think it's because I am the only person purchasing a book at that moment. 3. It seems to me that each year they raise the price all because of "improving registration processes"....BUT IT'S ALWAYS A CLUSTER! So basically this year I'm paying $40+ for the privilege of sitting at my computer hitting F5 for HOURS! Thanks guys.

Life Enhancing Websites

2009-02-14T08:00:00.001-07:00

In the past few weeks I've come across a variety of interesting websites, for example: Ashely Madison -- helping you have extramarital affairs Daba Girls -- A blog for incredibly vapid women to vent about losing their Wall Street Sugar Daddies But none really compare to the potential of PMS Buddy. If you think that women are the target market, you'd be wrong, it's for men. You know, the ones lurking in women's bathrooms TRACKING.THEIR.MONTHLY.CYCLES. I might understand that the average male has a pretty good idea of ONE woman's cycle if he's living with a girlfriend or wife....but the site encourages you sign up and "add women to track" that's plural and really disturbing.

A Prayer for the Nation and Our Next President

2009-02-13T08:00:00.001-07:00

No matter your belief system (and we all believe in something) I believe this will touch you. ------------------------------------------------------------- A Prayer for the Nation and Our Next President, Barack Obama By The Rt. Rev. V. Gene Robinson, Episcopal Bishop of New Hampshire Opening Inaugural Event Lincoln Memorial, Washington, DC January 18, 2009 O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS. Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people. Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic "answers" we've preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future. Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be "fixed" anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world. Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger. Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion's God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world. And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States. Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln's reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy's ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King's dream of a nation for ALL the people. Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times. Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead. Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States. Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims. Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters' childhoods. And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we're asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace. AMEN.

Oops, That Was Your Publish Button

2009-02-12T22:59:00.004-07:00

Cathing up on my local news tonight I was reminded once again why I mostly avoid local news. The following is the opening sentence of an article regarding a special olympian and a bronze medal. "Analine Travis of Boise won her a bronze medal in cross country skiing Thursday at the Sun Valley Nordic Center, her parents said." For WHOM did Analine win the bronze medal? And which Statesman journalist should have his/her license to write in public revoked!? http://www.idahostatesman.com/newsupdates/story/666406.html

Options

2009-02-12T08:00:00.000-07:00

I recently learned that on a trip to Vegas my husband was offered a job as a car thief by a Russian mobster...meanwhile his friend Joe was getting peed on by a very drunk man. All while never missing a beat at blackjack. It's good to have job options in this economy.

Found

2009-02-11T08:02:00.001-07:00

Grindle came to the village when I was in my 14th summer. It was only the second time he had visited, the first being long before my mother’s memory began. The villagers could not see what was happening, although some commented on the darkening of the air around them. The animals lifted their heads, and retreated to the cool dark of the woods. I saw it all. He set up camp on the beach at the edge of our village. He started a fire, hung a pot, and pitched a tent. That is when the sadness settled on the village. The baker used warm tears to activate his yeast. Poets’ words washed away on the page. Musicians couldn’t hear their own music over all the sniffling and weeping. And my mother took to her bed with a melancholy so deep I could not touch it. I brought her sweets, cooked her favorite foods, and dressed her in her favorite colors. I suggested a swim in her beloved ocean which brought a panic to her eyes I had never before seen and one she did not understand. My grandmother held vigil in her rocking chair by the hearth, knitting a blanket of seaweed, muttering under her breath, and as distant in her thoughts, as was my mother. I began to listen. As she repeated her story over and over, I came to know what Grindle wanted. On my way, I collected dragonflies unable to fly, flowers dropping their petals too soon, fallen leaves, dried twigs, shells abandoned by their living things, and began to weave them into my grandmother’s blanket. Wrapped in my seaweed blanket of found objects I asked Grindle to tell me about my grandmother. He told me a now familiar story of a young mermaid who traded her tail for legs, and her past for her future. His true love lost to the world above the ocean. Once every 100 years he visits the village, overwhelming us with his sadness, hoping she will come back to him. Hoping she will bring their child with her. I took my grandmother’s blanket, heavy with its decorations of this world, and threw it into Grindle’s fire. Turning to see my grandfather moving toward the ocean, I ran to keep up. He dove under the water and was gone. I did not hesitate as I kicked off my shoes. The ocean was cold and pulled me into her with a strength I had not felt before. I was going home.

Perspective

2009-02-09T21:45:00.004-07:00

THIS IS YOU 22 years old Living with your parents Driving a Gremlin Making 6$/hr at the local Chevron OR THIS IS YOU ON WEED 22 years old Living wherever the hell you want 8 Olympic Gold Medals Millions of dollars in Endorsements

How to Get Your Ass Kicked on the Slopes

2009-01-18T15:45:00.012-07:00

Someone, please tell me who in the hell dressed this guy, took his picture, and convinced the boss that it would bring in the customers? Nothing says "kick my ass" quite like yellow pants, coordinating purple gloves, and a sweater that belongs on the ugly holiday sweater rack at Macy's.

When I Win the Lottery...

2009-01-01T21:11:00.006-07:00

...I'm maybe going to "buy a gate for our lane, or change our house numbers." Really? You just won $640k after taxes and you are going to hit the home improvement aisle at Lowes? People! You just won the lottery and you have a responsibility to inspire the rest of us to continue purchasing tickets! No one is going to check up on you to make sure you did what you said, so lie to us, THEN hit Home Depot! Here are some ideas: Buy an island and build your dream house Move to New Zealand & fly fish every river Raft the Amazon Confirm that the worlds top 10 beaches deserve to be on that list Start a foundation Get your dream car Traverse Tibet Spend a month in India Move to the South of France

The Magic of Winter

2008-12-26T11:26:00.013-07:00

There is magic in this snowy coldness of the high desert in which we live. Especialy in December when the darkness begins again to turn to the light. Merry, Merry, Winter Solstice to you all.

For Annette, Who Lived

2008-12-23T12:37:00.008-07:00

Today I said goodbye to a friend who has been a part of my village since I was very young. A woman who has been living with ovarian cancer for many years, and was one of the first to give me strength when I could not see the light at the end of my own treatment. Today she is surrounded by her family, wearing her red pajamas, looking at her Christmas tree through funny glasses, and facing her death with courage. I have always believed that to speak of cancer in the language of war is to deny that which is a part of you, and therefore hinder healing. But today it feels like a battle has been lost, as my friend awaits her turn to become a casualty to this war. For Annette: (because she will be WOO HOO'ING her way through the pearly gates) Life should NOT be a journey to the grave With the intention of arriving safely In an attractive and well preserved body, But rather to skid in sideways, Chocolate in one hand, Martini in the other, Body thoroughly used up, Totally worn out and screaming "WOO- HOO what a ride!"

Pet Food or Cat Poop

2008-12-15T14:00:00.002-07:00

I spend good money at a specialty store for my dog's food, and it is served daily with a large dollop of organic honey yogurt. But often he will give it a sniff, head outside and root around for cat poop, leaving his dinner to congeal for a day or two. How bad can dog food taste when cat poop is the preferred menu?

A Shoe is Raised in Protest

2008-12-15T11:33:00.012-07:00

Throwing shoes in protest is perhaps the most brilliant strategy I've seen by any person or group. Imagine how it would change the face of activism:

Green Peace could zoom up to super tankers and throw birkenstocks
Bombers could be filled with army boots instead of bombs
Road ragers could throw old tennis shoes or last year's Jimmy Choos

My favorite quotes from the MSNBC article [http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28235031/]: "He was being ... interrogated about whether anybody paid him to throw his shoes at Bush" [like who, a thrifty terrorist who isn't quite sure about the whole suicide leading to nirvana doctrine?] "his shoes were being held as evidence" [evidence of what?] "Showing the sole of your shoe to someone in the Arab world is a sign of extreme disrespect, and throwing your shoes is even worse" [I'm pretty sure that could be applied to anyone in any country who has shoes thrown at them.] "The incident raised fears of a security lapse in the heavily guarded Green Zone where the press conference took place." [a security lapse of what, allowing people to wear their shoes?]

In Memoriam

2008-12-11T10:22:00.008-07:00

A close friend of ours buried his brother today, and no tragedy suffered in our own lives gives us insight on what to say or do. So we will sit quietly, be present when needed, and light a candle for his brother's journey. In Memoriam by George Santayana With you a part of me hath passed away; For in the peopled forest of my mind A tree made leafless by this wintry wind Shall never don again its green array. Chapel and fireside, country road and bay, Have something of their friendliness resigned; Another, if I would, I could not find, And I am grown much older in a day. But yet I treasure in my memory Your gift of charity, and young hearts ease, And the dear honour of your amity; For these once mine, my life is rich with these. And I scarce know which part may greater be,-- What I keep of you, or you rob from me.

Halloween -- Repent or Vote Palin

2008-11-03T19:29:00.008-07:00

This Halloween was pretty low key for me. I bailed on a perfectly good Halloween party to catch up on my sleep, but not before I got a good look at what Halloween is like on Harrison Blvd. Repent Now Sinners: A large white tent on the corner of Eastman and Harrison claimed itself to be the Boise Baptist Church group in GIANT RED LETTERS. There was a large table with lots of flyers and a small bowl of candy. Beware Those Who Enter: A block up on the opposite side of the street, homeowners had enclosed their front yard with cardboard to make it look as if you were entering a castle. Pretty cool until you glanced up to see the PALIN CASTLE sign looming above your head. So I ask parents in the audience, does this bother you? When did it become appropriate to make our children repent their sins and declare their political party before they can get a bite size piece of candy?

The Question of Change

2008-10-11T13:32:00.001-06:00

When I was 36 I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer, which makes it sound like it was AGES ago, but I'm only soon to be 39. I am not trying to bring the blog down...you know how I like to keep it superficial and cynical, but recently I've had a lot of people ask me how cancer changed my life, and I found myself unable to effectively articulate the answer. This caused me quite a bit of anxiety because I think there is an expectation that I should be able to say "well, I'm now running 5 miles a day, avoiding soy products, sugar, alcohol, cigarettes, and coffee, volunteering at the ACS, starting my own business, and, oh, by the way my book on my fabulous, sexy, diva cancer experience is going to be published next month.” Because I love these people for having the courage to ask me this question and listen to my rambling answer, I hope you might indulge me one meandering, semi-serious, and most likely uncohesive, entry as I explore the question "how has cancer changed your life." There are the obvious changes to my physical world - I lose my words when speaking, I have to make lists or I forget, it takes a lot more concentration to understand complex concepts (which sucks because that's basically my job), there are scars on my body which are inconveniently placed when selecting summer clothes, and coffee, chocolate, and red wine top my list of “eat at your own risk” foods. But true change takes sustained energy as well as the ability to process the experience. When in the midst of treatment each day brings a new symptom, 7 more shots, 3 visits to Walgreens, or a stay in the hospital and the last thing I wanted to contemplate was how cancer was going to change me; the changes seemed pretty obvious at the time and none of them were metaphysical. I guess what I’m trying to say, is the question is premature but not unwelcome. I am just now feeling strong enough to reflect and find humor and meaning in my experience. I’m a thinker and a planner, so I don’t leap easily into the void and the changes in my life may come slower and quieter than some. They probably won’t be as spectacular as forming a new non-profit group, dedicating myself to The Cure, or writing a book on how sexy cancer is. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made some decisions in the last year based on an internalized fear that life is too short…bought a fast car, took up river rafting, and travelled a lot. Those are changes, but I don’t think they are the ones that answer the question. So what I’m STILL trying to say is that I continually watch and listen for the subtle ways that cancer has and will change me and my life; a life that involves a husband who was also deeply affected and has been and will be changed; and a brilliant marriage that struggles to redefine itself free of illness.

My favorite change: I have a story that connects me to millions of women one at a time. How has cancer changed YOUR life?

Small Town

2008-10-11T11:23:00.008-06:00

My primary hobby is reading and in order to keep my supply of books incoming with no interruptions I utilize the library's hold system, which means the books could come from any of the surrounding libraries, but I get to pick them up here in The Swings. My most recent book was Black Order by James Rollins (I have a weakness for what I call spy sci-fi) and tucked into the back cover was someone's paystub. Of course we all use whatever is handy for bookmarks...kleenex (unused), reciepts, photos, bills so it's not unusual to find left over bits in books. But this particular paystub belonged to my brother-in-law's step-father. Now that's a small world.

Aziz from Yemen

2008-10-02T20:25:00.004-06:00

So last Saturday I found myself in a bright yellow Ford Escape cab cruising down Fillmore in San Francisco. There were four of us squished into the back seat while the fifth was comfortably chatting up the cabby in the front. My face was quite close to the side window which warned that we were all on camera, which was mounted above the rear view mirror. I'm sure it had a decent view of all of us. So front seat guy has made friends with the cabby in a matter of seconds and this is what ensues: Front Seat: So, what types of alcohol do you have in Yemen? Cabby: No alcohol, I just smoke. Front Seat: No way, do you want to smoke now? Do you have some with you? Cabby: Are you cops? Front Seat: No way man. Back Seat: Um, does that camera really work? Cabby: (ignoring the back seat) yeah, yeah, hang on. The cabby then hops out of the car to get the smoke out of the gas tank; no one has any papers so we spend another 10 minutes finding smoking accoutrements. Back Seat: Can you turn the camera off? Cabby: (still ignoring the backseat) So it's great, yeah, my cousin grows it. Front Seat: Can I get your card, I'm always looking for a good driver. So here I am, pressed up against the backseat window, enjoying a decent contact high, while my cabby is now stoned and driving us through the streets of San Francisco. I think there is a theme for September and it has something to do with a safety meeting.

Safety Meeting

2008-10-02T20:17:00.005-06:00

We've exhausted our gallery slash bookstore slash snooty chachky store options, it's raining sideways and we find ourselves bellying up to the bar at Grumpy's ordering a couple of schooners. Just as we're settling in to watch the BSU/Ducks game, the guy next to me yells "Safety Meeting" and everyone runs outside....including a few tourists. How safe can it be when it has so obviously become part of the everyday lexicon?

Survivor

2008-09-16T21:17:00.004-06:00

Oooooooh, you thought I was going to write a serious entry on surviving some horrible chapter in my life....NOPE! This is for those of you who are driving out to The Swings, it's dark, full moon, glass of wine (previously imbibed), listening to XM channel 80 and you find yourself singing out loud to: How can I convince you what you see is real Who am I to blame you for doubting what you feel I was always reachin, you were just a girl I knew I took for granted the friend I have in you i was living for a dream, Loving for a moment Taking on the world, That was just my style Now I look into your eyes I can see forever, The search is over You were with me all the while Can we last forever, will we fall apart At times its so confusing, these questions of the heart You followed me through changes, and patiently you'd wait Till I came to my senses, through some miracle of fate Now the miles stretch out behind me loves, that I have lost Broken hearts lie victims of the game Then good luck it finally stuck like lightning from the blue Every highway leading me back to you Now at last I hold you, now all is said and done The search has come full circle, our destinies are one So if you ever loved me show me that you give a damn Youll know for certain the man I really am AND YOU KNOW EVERY SINGLE WORD!

Open Carry at the Zoo

2008-07-20T22:11:00.008-06:00

If I were trying to raise public awareness around a particular issue say, unconcealed weapons permits, I'm not sure I would choose Zoo Boise as my venue. Your demographic will be 5 year old children whose only focus are the monkeys and conning their parents into cotton candy. Based on Open Carry's world view, it seems the mall might have been a better choice or perhaps Sunday school, because, as one of their Eagle, ID members said, "Unfortunately, the world is a dangerous place of random shootings in malls, even churches." http://www.idahostatesman.com/newsupdates/story/447064.html

Garment Free

2008-07-20T22:10:00.013-06:00

I must extend the obligatory apology for such a long delay in my summer posts. Unfortunately this post is not an indication that there will be more quickly following, but I felt the below link was worth taking a 10 minute timeout from summer to share. I laughed out loud when I read the original news article. It seems The Church didn't share my mirth and excommunicated those responsible. A more fiscally responsible response might have been to calculate the 10% tithing they would have made off the calendar. http://www.mormonsexposed.com/ And for the record, I spent 7 years in Utah and I NEVER saw a calendar worthy missionary.

Meridian's Ministry of Cannabis

2008-05-30T08:17:00.000-06:00

Have you read about the recent case of a Meridian man being arrested for belonging to the THC Ministry based out of Hawaii? THC as in Cannabis, Mary Jane, Weed etc. http://www.kivitv.com/Global/story.asp?s=8333738 It appears that the Rev. Shawn Fluewelling of Meridian is using the Freedom of Religion defense and it just might work. Ada county prosecuters have asked for more time, ostensibly because they haven’t yet figured out how to prove a negative – that the THC Ministry is NOT a religion and the Rev. Fluewelling is simply getting high for pleasure and not spiritual enlightenment. There is lots of precedent for herbs as spiritual aids, and personally I’m rooting for Shawn and all of you out there who find a little bit of god in the green herb.

Paleolithic Man

2008-05-28T22:54:00.005-06:00

Admit it, you've done it. It was late, you were bored and probably on your 3rd glass of wine; kids are in bed, husband's at band practice and you begin googling your friends, your coworkers, and eventually your highschool boyfriends, because who of us isn't curious how they turned out.

It's the big "What if." What if he's a leader in the effort for World Peace, what if he's a rock star, what if he's the dictator of a small country, or what if this is the picture that you find:

Time to Break Up?

2008-05-10T22:43:00.000-06:00

I was recently speaking with a neighbor who had a family member get married at the barn over the weekend. I was thinking what a nice place to get married and politely asked a follow up question regarding the happy couple. This is the story he gave me: Boy and girl had a fight in the Walmart parking lot 4 weeks ago. Girl hopped in their truck, boy chased after her and girl accidentally hit him with the truck. This apparently struck her as a brilliant move, because she then began chasing boy and hit him 2 more times. One of the Walmart shoppers called 911 and girl was arrested. Girl spent a few days in jail and is currently waiting for her court date to arrive.

In the meantime boy and girl decided it would be a good choice to get married.

Carbon Credits & Weightloss

2008-05-06T18:13:00.000-06:00

I think this Carbon Credit scheme is brilliant except I would like to apply it to weightloss. Anyone out there want to continue eating 3500 calories a day guilt free? You could offset 1000 of those calories by paying me a large amount of money to cut my calorie intake, thereby rendering you calorie nuetral. Any takers?

Testicle Ban Debated

2008-04-28T22:16:00.015-06:00

In Florida lawmakers are debating the merits of hanging cast iron, chrome plated testicles from your truck's hitch. http://au.news.yahoo.com/080425/15/16mc2.html My first reaction was "hell yes there's merit," but then I realized it was selfishly driven by my need to see something other than chrome stripper chicks on trucker mudflaps. Seriously, people! Men can and will spend entire evenings talking about their testicles, often grabbing them in greeting. Occasionally they engage them in mating rituals, grabbing them while winking at a potential mate. In fact a man's lack of testicles is tantamount to being a chrome stripper chick. Given the opportunity to proudly display a pair of testicles on one's truck, I think that one set just wouldn't be enough, multiple sets could potentially elevate a man's status as a red-blooded, cave dwelling, drum beating, man's man. So why would one man feel so maligned by the chrome plated testicles hanging from the truck in front of him that he felt the need to take it to the lawmakers? I can only conclude that he was simply threatened by the size.

Outed Blogger

2008-04-28T15:52:00.010-06:00

Well, I've been inevitably outed, which carries with it a certain thrill, but mostly it's just a pain in the ass because now I'm offending people who know where I live. People who perhaps don't share my sense of humor, and are not inclined to laugh at this place we call home, or themselves, quite as much as I am. So I give you the following disclaimer:

Boisecommaidaho is not directed at any single person, but more at us as a collective of overachieving, swinging (and yes I know swingers), gas guzzling, velour track suit wearing, M-class dog owning Hidden Springers. I include myself, although I don't own a track suit or an M-class dog, but I did buy a house here and I use my share of gas.

So consider yourself warned that occasionally there may be offending items regarding certain happenings in Stepford, and to make your reading choices appropriately. I certainly will continue to welcome and publish all comments.

Bummer of a Doomsday

2008-04-10T22:06:00.005-06:00

It's a real bummer when your doomsday is interrupted by the collapse of the cave in which you are waiting to die. I would recommend that all doomsday cults target engineers as members so when their brilliant leader says "hey, let's go live in a cave until the world ends" they have someone who can gauge the quality of the cave. read the article here.

The Joy of Sex

2008-04-10T22:00:00.003-06:00

I love stories about the human condition and the impulses that drive us. This delightful article about a man in Ohio who is intimately involved with his picnic table is an impulse gone awry. read the article and watch the video (it's PG). It's unfortunate that he was not smart enough to either move the stool and approach the table from the opposite side, or just move it behind the house where he could have happily continued his unusual relationship in private.

Humphalot is For Sale

2008-04-10T21:36:00.010-06:00

Spring is here and with it came numerous for sale signs on Humphalot. These houses are all less than two years old, so I have to ask myself what would make you move before the two year limit and take a huge capital gains loss. Apparently we have two divorces, one foreclosure, one who decided they were too far from a golf course (yeah, I wondered that too) and, my favorite, two are moving due to neighbor conflicts. Who hates their neighbor that much? There is also a poop brown house for sale with the added feature of a midsize flagpole in the middle of the front yard, proudly displaying both the American and Marine flags. Not only is the owner giving it away (thanks for lowering ALL of our values), but who doesn't want a badly patched together flag pole in their front yard (it blew down and broke in half last year).

Incompetent People

2008-04-06T20:15:00.006-06:00

A new study has found that incompetent people have no concept of their own incompetency, and in fact are unable to recognize competency in people around them. So let's add the Peter Principle (every employee will rise to his/her level of incompetence) into the mix and apply it to a business situation. What we end up with is an environment with incompetent people leading incompetent people. Sadly the competent people lose out because they are but a fairytale to those in leadership, who cannot fathom that anyone could be more competent than they themselves are. I'd like to thank Dr. David A. Dunning for giving me the added life stress that striving for self-awareness is but an illusion since I am unable to recognize wether or not I am incompetent. read the article here.

People of Stepford

2008-03-18T21:58:00.006-06:00

STOP FUCKING TAILGATING ME. ARE YOU BLIND? CAN YOU SEE I DRIVE A BOX. DOES IT LOOK AERODYNAMIC TO YOU? LIKE IT MUST HUG THE ROAD AT 60? DO YOU THINK I'LL GO FASTER AND RISK MY LIFE IF YOU PUT YOUR BRIGHTS ON AND STICK YOUR NOSE IN MY ASS? Hmmmm, now that I think about it, that's an excellent strategy. YOU FUCKING MORON!!!

I Love Hummers

2008-03-03T21:09:00.002-07:00

Gay People Cause Earthquakes

2008-02-28T13:42:00.005-07:00

A good friend of mine is a spin doctor for the Feds, and in his spare time dons the alter ego of H. Lukas Greene. This is a link to a post on his blog that is both gut bustingly funny and direly disturbing. http://www.pridedepot.com/modules/wordpress/?p=1560 Love the Rainbow, Be the Rainbow

Road Bi-sucklers

2008-02-27T20:07:00.006-07:00

warning: anti-bicycling musings ahead Okay, I get that there is a lot of pressure to dress in madly matched printed spandex clothing, strap on a helmet that MIGHT save your bean if you're going 5 miles an hour on grass, put a tiny little seat up your ass and then ride 60 miles on a road barely wide enough for 1 car with no bike lane. I'm one hundred percent supportive of this sport. What I am NOT supportive of is the fucking attitude that accompanies said sport....(was that my outside voice)? Am I to be treated as less because I'm in a car wearing regular person clothing? Do you think you are going the speed limit or perhaps "Share the Road" is an epithet only for carlubbers. Is road biking an adrenaline, life risking sport? Is it part of cycling etiquette to ride 3 miles an hour, 6 abreast, and turn to give me dirty looks because I CAN'T PASS YOU ON THE BLIND CORNER? Do you think I'm tailgating you, because I'm not THIS IS AS SLOW AS MY CAR GOES! People, I try to share the road, I know Cartwipple is a "kick ass awesome road" to train on. I get that, what I don't get is why that stupid little helmet shrinks your brain and erases all memories of WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE IN A CAR. I know, that every single one of you had to drive to Stepford to pick up your "sooper cool kick ass awesome" bikes and squeeze into that fugly spandex uniform, so get over your bad ass self, dial down the Lycra, and get in single file. Your life expectancy just might improve.

No No Bad Dog #2

2008-02-21T20:50:00.004-07:00

Neighbors: The Update

2008-02-03T15:38:00.004-07:00

Remember when I posted about my neighbor who hoses off his driveway in the middle of winter? Here he is. Notice that the water has shockingly run downhill towards the street.

He is now contemplating how effective the snow he shoveled into the street is at creating a dam. The picture I didn't get was him scooping up the water.

No No Bad Dog #1

2008-02-03T10:47:00.002-07:00

This is my sweet, sweet puppy who has a chair fetish. It can't be comfortable, he's 80 lbs and 4 feet long.

Enlightening Questions

2008-01-31T20:15:00.000-07:00

Out here in Stepford we have a neighborhood newsletter which ocassionaly provides a few chuckles as well as insight into my neighbors. In the newsletter there is a section for residents to ask questions. In today's "Answer Alley" residents chose to: 1. Passively agressively scold neighbors who do not shovel at the first sight of snow (guilty): Question: I've noticed some of the sidewalks haven't been cleared of snow, whose responsibility is this? Enlightening Answer: The Town Association does snow removal on sidewalks adjacent to common areas only. Residents are responsible for snow removal on the sidewalks adjacent to their lots. 2. Suggest Stepford add gates to increase value and decrease criminal activity. I like the generic reference to "Studies"; gives it a LOT more credibilty. Question: Has Stepford ever considered gating the community. Adding a residents only Gate to Creek Bed and Humphalot, and a public gate to Stepford Drive and Assford Gulch would keep out potential vandals during the late night hours. Obviously the gate could be programmed to remain open during "Rush Hour Times" but the added overnight security might be worth the expense and Cheaper than Police Patrol. Studies Show that gating a community adds to Property Value and decreases crime rates. Enlightening Answer: To date, the known solved vandalism cases in the community have been committed by individuals on foot or on bicycles (including Stepford residents, in some cases). Seriously!! Stepford is a very long and dark 9 miles from downtown which translates to a whole lotta work for a petty criminal when he or she can just victimize the townies. Some days I'm just not sure how long I'll last in Stepford.

Neighbors

2008-01-21T19:46:00.002-07:00

The other day I came home and my conspicuous consumer of a neighbor was hosing down his driveway. At this point you are probably going to double check the date of this post to confirm that yes, it is January and yes, there is a lot of snow on the ground. I can think of no reason for hosing down your driveway in the middle of winter other than to create a small skating rink for the neighborhood children. But having interacted with this neighbor 1 too many times, I think he'd be more inclined to spray the children. My only conclusion is that he was melting the snow off his driveway.

The Love List

2008-01-21T13:58:00.002-07:00

One Friday I came home and this was taped to the laundry room door. Sweat Pea- Here is my love list to you! 1. I love you because you smell good, even though I call you stinky 2. I love you because you help me through the big scary dishes 3. I love you because you have a circle to follow everywhere--even at home 4. I love you because of how strong you are even when the chips are down. Love, Your Stinky Husband

What I See

2007-11-16T17:02:00.000-07:00

Coyotes Llama Cows Great Blue Heron Racoons Skunks Bears Owl Deer Badger Wild Turkeys Fox Quail Falcons Rabbits These are the animals I get to see almost everyday on my 9 mile drive to the big city. I grew up with all of these animals here in Idaho, and 38 years later I still stop and gaze with awe when a coyote chooses to reveal itself to me, or an owl checks me out from high up in the trees. In a short 9 miles I get to see the world I live in and that list doesn't include the sunrises, the rainbows or the storm clouds that periodically paint the sky. I believe that life is good.

Family Values

2007-11-12T09:58:00.001-07:00

It's not often I feel a strong desire to flee Idaho, but when I do it's always the politics. I can't believe my tax dollars are paying for this shit: http://www.idahostatesman.com/politics/story/205994.html Here is what I learned: 1. Single moms cause drug addiction 2. The 1950s family is our benchmark 3. The 1950s family had troubles too 3. Divorce promotes domestic violence 4. Divorced people are criminals 5. Divorced people raise criminals 6. Divorce is "Satan's" tool 7. We love our children (have 10 of them) 8. If your child's daycare has less than 13 kids, it can be run by child molesters 9. Early childhood education hurts our children by keeping them away from their moms 10. Steven Thayn is a crazy Mormon who thinks faith based statistics like "Divorce is Satan's tool" are okay

The Hidden Swingers

2007-11-12T09:24:00.003-07:00

This Halloween I was invited to a Hidden Swingers party. Now mind you it's a secondary invite from my neighbor, but an invite none the less. And made so much more official by not being a verbal invite--I got the evite. We didn't go (I prefer my husband over the somewhat rotund and redneck looking husbands of my neighbors). So how do you think a Sunday-After-The-Swinger-Party goes: Kids are playing in the yard, champagne or black colored SUV pulls up, mom gets out, kids in the car say "thanks for letting your mom stay over!"

The Master Whackers

2007-10-08T15:32:00.000-06:00

The Master Whackers. This is the name of the company that takes care of my lawn. It is run by two ambitious pimply faced teenage football players. They do a fair enough job, worth the $20/week so I don't have to mow my own lawn. In light of their company name, doesn't that paragraph above seem somehow kind of....dirty? Now imagine Polly Pureheart with her size 2 Ambercrombie sweatpants, 2.5 kids and champagne colored urban assault vehicle hiring the Master Whackers "yes, is this the Master Whackers? I'd like to hire you to mow.my.lawn." Those boys will go far.

Pageant People

2007-09-24T21:30:00.000-06:00

This week I have been invited to join the Mrs. Idaho Pageant & received valuable information on putting a giant wooden stork in my front yard to announce the pending birth of my yet to be conceived child...and that's just this week. On any given week we are invited to:

purchase organic dog treats
cover our windows
hire someone to kill our bugs
take up stamping (cards)
hire someone to pick up our dog crap
drink the KoolAid (sugar free)
sell our house (which we just purchased a year ago)
buy another house in the same neighborhood (huh?)
give money to lots of random charities
install a FREE security system for $80/month
join ya ya's yoga gym
get your child a bouncy castle
enroll your children in ballet school
become part of the Hidden Swings Home Schoolers

It's an interesting neighborhood into which we've moved. So many people trying to help you make good spending decisions. At least the window covering fliers stopped once I put the sheets up.

So now I guess there is nothing to do but begin thinking about my "finalist" dress, what I'll wear for the swimsuit competition, and how I'll answer the tricky questions those damn pageant people always ask.

Teach Your Children Well

2007-09-06T19:38:00.002-06:00

Although my husband and I have chosen to remain childless (to the horror of my mother-in-law), his sister has been very accomodating in breeding two lovely children, both boys. My husband is thrilled that the universe has sent him two nephews and he is giddy at the idea of having a small child to teach to fish, fart, burp, swear and with whom to build a flame thrower. The following is a recent conversation I had with my husband over messenger.

I say: is your avatar smitty fire bombing his backyard?
he says: no, it's what harry and I are going to make when he is five. It's a pvc flamethrower I say: great, make sure you point it toward the backyard
he says: mirror.linnwood.org/flamethrower, how awesome is that? I mean come on a flame thrower!!!!
I say: i can see you are busy.
he says: I have had that link for a long time, like 2-3 weeks.
I say: sweet, he's 3. barely
he says: 2 more years, then we party
I say: yes, that is a much more appropriate age, 5
he says: but it leaves me 2 years to gather materials; we will start with the non violent spud gun, then move on to the more lethal multi chambered spud gun, then finally the big old flame thrower
I say: well at least you've thought this out.